hello again

I'm doubtful anyone but me will be reading this today. But, i think it's good to be back!

Last night I was lying in bed wailing to Dominic about what a rotten mother I am. Again. Because I lost patience with the kids. Again. And yelled. Again. I always, always come up short of my expecations. During the day I told L how sorry I am and that I'm still learning not to get so mad and yell. She told me she gets scared when I yell. Which I suppose I knew, but made me feel just sick to hear it.

I asked Dominic, are there people who actually get to the end of the day and don't make a mental review of their failings? Who think "well, i'm not perfect, but I'm doing the best I can."

I wish I could be one of those people. Just for one day. That's my wish for today.

I'm thinking about how violent it is to engage in this self-loathing. I make mistakes. I don't hurt my children (God, no!) but I do lose patience and yell. Last week I threw a sippy cup into a basket of unfolded laundry. And for hours-literally, hours, I was sick with self-loathing. HOw could I do this? How can I scare my children like this? What's wrong with me? Why can't I get my shit together?

So, it's violent to engage in this self-hatred when I make mistakes. On some level, it probably teaches my kids that there is little tolerance for mistakes (those made by me) in my world. That can't be good. But I find it so hard to forgive myself. I don't know why.