Another exception

This morning I had to take L in to the doctor's office for a shot. This was actually akin to torture. She was terrified and screaming, biting my shoulder, crying, it was just awful. This primal need that I have to protect my daughter from any pain or discomfort in this world? I bumped up against it big time today and it laughed in my face.

Anyway.

So, to soften the blow of this scary experience (for both of us) I told Lucy we would go to the toy store and pick something special out. (What? Where does this come from? Am I teaching her to assuage her pain and fear with material goods? Am I bribing her? Am I teaching her some terribly flawed lesson about "earning" toys based on her behavior?--I don't care what the hidden messages are today, people. I just wanted my baby to feel better!) I knew I was going to violate the Compact for this, and I figured, why not? She's gotta get a shot and this is going to suck. Take her to the toy store, get her a kitty, she'll feel better. To heck with the Compact. This is an acceptable exception.

Well, we got to the toy store and the thing she wanted most of all, more than anything else, was a little doll stroller. Mind you, she already has a doll stroller, which is about 2 years old. It is rickety and has been duct-taped together more than any other thing we own (except possibly for Julian's CD player, long story)--it still works but is really in rough shape. She found a pretty little number, purple with pink ballet slippers on it. She found a stuffed kitty to push around and generally had a blast at the toy store. (We probably could have left at that point, as the horror of the shot was all but forgotten by this point anyway.)

L: "I want this stroller."
me: "But you already have one of these honey, let's look for something else that might be fun for you to play with"
L: "But I want this stroller."
Me:"Look here honey, look at this high chair. Do you think your kitties might like to sit in this high chair and eat their kitty treats?"
L: "But you said I could get anything."
Me: "Yes but you already have a stroller, let's find something that you don't have. Look at this pretty high chair."

We left the store with a frigging doll high chair. My chirpy sales pitch worked. She got a little excited about the high chair and I swooped on that enthusiasm to get her the toy I thought would be the best choice. But she had picked out the toy she wanted the most, just like I promised her she could, and what did I do? I ignored her choice. I didn't want to get something we already had. I am curious how long the current stroller will last. I figure it still works OK, so why get a new one? Why not get something she doesn't have?

I was kicking myself the whole entire way home from the store. Why am I such a jerk? Why couldn't I just get her the thing that she really wanted? Why did I talk her out of it, and basically make myself a liar by not letting her get "anything" she wanted? The rare occasion we violate the terms of the Compact for a toy, and she doesn't even really get the one she wants.

Not only that, but the doll high chair sucks. It is stupid. We got home, got it out of the box, and it is way too short, so she has to kneel down to use it, plus, her kitties are too big to sit in it properly, and the tray doesn't come off. It's too hard for her to use the way she wants to. So I feel even worse about the whole damn day.

Yes, I realize I am most definitely overthinking this one, but I feel rotten. I feel like an awful wretch of a mother.